Sois Bleu

I was attending my F9 lecture yesterday only to realise that I have just another 2 more lectures before the syllabus ends. This means that the mind-torturing self-revision will be coming very very soon. But this time, I will be handling the ordeal alone.

At this period of time last semester, I was, well, *blush* dating. We often met up during weekday afternoon in the fast food joint: He reading his finance magazines, while I soaking myself in notes and past year papers. Occasionally, we took a break and chatted about stuffs, before returning back to what we were doing. It was kinda sweet, you know, enjoying each company with few words. The first phase of blossoming love. Which made revision somehow a lot easier and more anticipating.  

When finally the papers were over and we decided a good trip overseas. And thats when things didn't turn out well as expected.  We now maintain a humble friendship, and nothing more. We still bumped into each other in the gym and have a polite chat. But we both know that things are a little different, no matter how mature and objective a rational man can be.

The result came 8 weeks later and I nailed the 3 papers.

So now I begin to wonder the contributary factors of my passing grades. 
My undivided attention towards practicing past year paper,
my early prepartion for revision long before examination,
my effective studying method or
was it because I was dating?

The thoughts just sent me a chill.
The pre-exam conditions are so much different now.
I am dateless and I am having much challenging papers this time.
Will I still be about get thru these 3 papers like I did those before?
Will I able to afford the over-priced food in the fast food joint
while I feed myself with theories and calculations?
Worse, WILL I EVER BE LOVED!!?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~~~ STRESSSS STRESSSSSSS~~~!!!1

Alright, time for revision now.

It is just another time in life that I feel a little shaken again.

All because of a book that I read. 
And the ridicule of it is  how this has actually got me 
stuck in that emotion like a quicksand,
engulfed by plot and the state of mind.

That brought me back the time when I was in my early teen. 
It reminded me of the things I'd missed:
The Junior College that I never attend,
the lips that I never kissed,
the love I never had,
and the youth that I wasn't sensible enough
to enjoy and appreciate.

I was at a cafe last friday, watching a standup performance by our very own local drag queen.
It was the second part of the program after the birthday dinner
and I expected it to be the last program,
as it was almost 2 in the morning by the time the show had ended. 
And gravity was working hard on my eyes.
Then the birthday boy suggested to continue the night at a club near the river.

I excused myself for the night, feeling apologetic but was at the same time,
feeling relieved that my exhaustion would finally come to a rest.
Predictably, the boy threw his birthday fits on me but i was too weary to rebut.
When a man has decided to leave, there is nothing you can do to stop him.
In the cab, as the scene flew by like strips of films from an old camera,
thoughts flew in my mind. And as I turned to look at the laptop by my side,
I succumbed to the realisation that I am already an adult.

No more spring chicken.
I always quote to my friend.
And many people who are older than me
would have cursed me,
saying
"You know nothing yet!!"
But  right now,
at this moment with the finished book by my side,
my heart is having a little earthquake.

1. Hatorri Hanso Katanas

2. Vera Wang Gown
3. Bill (?)

Today's tax lecture is on other income Section 10(1)(d) - (f), but my mind is conquered by the sword that I had seen earlier this afternon at plaza sing. After my gym session alone, I met up with a friend for lunch and some window shopping.  Just as when I was about to come to a conclusion that PS was indeed a place for students and kids to hang out, a shop with swords on display window caught my eye. I couldn't help but went in to have a look. There's a wide selection of swords from various movies like Red Cliff to The Last Samurai. Just as I wonder if there was any Hatore Hanso Swords from Kill Bill, It just appear right in front of me. A Hatore Hanso sword from Kiddo Breatrix. The desire to buy in on the spot was as strong as my sex drive, but I managed to control it like a desperado who is too afraid to get HIV. It excited me all too much as I am such a big fan of that movie and if I would ever drag, I would certainly want to be Black Mumbai in Vera Wang with the Hatore Hanso Sword in my hand. 

I won't want to consider putting it in my wish list. My birthday is still centuries away and I doubt anyone would get such an expensive gift for me. In fact no one has actally bought anything that's real expensive and made me memorable of it, not even for my big 21. Not that I expect from my friends, I am grateful and truely appreciate every cent they spend out of their disposible income for a gift for me. However,  a big little surprise would be nice and generous. If I ever want anyone to give the sword to me, it would certainly gonna be Hatore Hanso himself.

Seriously, its not that I can afford it. But I just ponder is it worth it to slash half my pay with a sword that is pretty much useless and space-consuming yet its stuck in your head for the entire tax lecture. My pay inst that much lah, its just that the proportion of it is a considerable factor. Hence, the differences between the ability and the willingness to pay is just separated by a very thin line. I wouldn't want  to act upon impulse. But I won't want to regret not buying it even more.

To buy or not to buy, life's a bitch.

I was surprised to enter the office to see a familiar figure seated at the desk of the victim of yesterday's drama. It was the victim herself. I didnt ask to feed my hunger for the reason for I know that answer will be revealed somehow, just a matter of when. Our boss was all quiet until before he left the office and said officially for the first time after the incident that he has hired her back due to some miscommunication. I didn't ask anything but was secretly happy that she is here to stay.  When he finally left, everyone didnt ask why, but just relieve the entire ordeal has ended witha surprising yet pleasant ending.

Second thing to worth being happy about. Its PD's payday.


 I know I posted this song a tingalingillon times, but I still love it, like a faithful husband.

I walked into my office to realise that my colleague was clearing up the remnant of her work. After I settled down and starting to do my work, she had all cleared up and was ready to leave. My other colleagues then send her off out the office to the taxi, eaving me totally oblivious of the situation. When they returned, I expressed my curiosity discreetly, only to find out that her service with the company had terminated. I further enquired and was told that it was about some politics in the office, but all together, it was a vague explanation and a very clear answer.

It was definitely a very bad experience again, eventhough I was not involved in the ordeal. It reminded me of the retrenchment back at my ex-company a brazillion months ago. This time I feel worse for the fact that she is 4 month's pregnant and I hope she is not laid off for this very fact. And we all know that it will be difficult for her to get a job with a swell stomach. The country is in desperation for babies in expense of the corporates' sole goal of profitability. Though we didnt have a direct working relationship, but I feel for her, just like how I feel for myself living in a place where everyone and everything is defined in monetary terms. Where everyone is so easily replaceable.

Lecture 4: Tax Deductability - Keyman Insurance Premium
A keyman refers to someone who possess special qualification ( includes personal connections, business contacts or experience) and the experience is irreplaceable.

Irreplaceable.

For all I want now, is to have and to be an irreplaceable lover.

It was nice seeing all my ex-rowers again at Justin's big 21. We had lots of booze and caught up with our lives. When you've a certain point of your life, you tend to appreciate simple things like chilling out with your friends, with abundance of food and alcohol on the table.  Not to mention the cute, youthful boys around you.

Before 21, I never knew anyone whom are younger than me, except my cousins whom I only see less than 5 times a year. After I joined Flus, I beginning to have people who are 1987,1988 or even 1990 coming in my life. Its interesting to know how the new generation are like now but it is also traumatizing to know that you are no longer the freshest chicken in town. That you are slowly morphing from a prey to a predator.  That you are already aging.

Happy Birthday again, and I am looking forward for you big 30.


PS: I look like I had stroke.

A monolouge overheard at the restroom in my night class that worth should get  into the Quotable Quote in Reader Diguest.

"Why do you have to pee inside?
If a short 3 inch dick like mine can pee outside,
I dont understand why you can't!!!"

Baffled.

If there's a place that I wanna be,
it will only be a place with you.

Its amazing how he still sound as wonderful after all these years.
A little older the way he looks, but sound still as melancholy.

隔了四年，今年又回返学生的身份。
虽然不是其中的那三大学府，
但至少比去年原地踏步得好。

而因是私立夜校，白天的时间有够我闲。
与其浪费寸寸光阴，还不如化它为金。
我也不想拿母亲的钱而让她有借口给我脸色看，
所以很幸运的透过朋友介绍找到了一个兼职，
还是与我就读的科系有关。

生活总算稳定了下来，
但心里总是有个填满不了的缺，
有种说不出的不是滋味。
好像眼看已经很满足的生活，
还少了些什么。

夜深了，却不想睡。
身躯 不停的像蛋饼在床上翻来覆去，
煎得我一身的浮躁。

而廉外的星空
却是如此的静
多么的安宁。

是不是现代人
想要得东西都随手可得，
以至于人们对生活的要求
越来越难满足？

还是我们过于把物质上到需要
与对生活的满足画上等号，
以至于夜深人静时，
才发现原来每天努力奋斗的，
其实都不是自己所要的。
为了，只是多活那么一天。

人， 会满足吗？

A tribute to Eartha Kitt and a resolution for myself.

I didn't go for my training today just to stay company with my parents, for I had been out very very often lately during the Christmas Season.  Dad treated the family a nice, filling branch at the new extended Jurong Point. We moved around together a little before we splited ourselves into guys and girls group, manouvring in the mall at our respective area of interest. We met up later at the supermarket for some grocery shopping. Everything was just like a model family at a life insurance company commercial. Everything seems a little too incredibly smooth without a spark. And just as I thought I could have end the day in a jovial note, thing happened.

I decided to share my Kill Bill Vol. 2 with my parents as they had seen part one and I just bought the DVD for Vol 2 today, you know, like what a typical close family would do. Mom decided to quit the movie half way to prepare breakfast and lunch for me and papa for the next day, while my dad and I carryied on engrossing the flying swords and cheesy soundtracks. Just as the movie got to it hightlight, mom (deliberate or not) started to humming some stupid songs. I asked her to keep the volume as we were watching the most exciting part of the film. And just less than a minute, if not almost immediately, she beated the eggs to an intolerable volume, in a very rebellous way to challange what I had just said. I flared, I made a statement loud enough to overrule the beated eggs, " If you want people to do what you want others too, please reciprocate in render." That flared her up. she closed the door that separated the two areas and start mumbling to herself. I, in render, explained to grandma, who was sewing quietly beside me what I was pissed about. Retaliation came behide the glass door and I was so sick of that atmosphere with air thickening everym monent that I quitted the movie to returned to my room and started tapping the keyboard for this anedote.
 
She yelled in the kitchen just as deliberate for me to hear it in my own room. I vaguely heard that she is gonna terminate my financial support when I will be studying full time and asked my grandma and Dad not to give me any money. I feel a little silly about this incident, and a lot more tired from the previous accumulated.  

My dad is too feeble to take side. He just kept quiet and finished the whole movie before moving to the shower. He doesn't want to offend either sides of his hand and is always a strong believer of  "Silence is Gold". And grandma's opinion is always very subjective and unreliable. I have no way to express this issue to anyone except in this cyberspace. I have completely no idea why the fuck it happened by I am feeling a lot better already. Thank you very much.

I have a sudden notion that I wish to complete my accounting qualification asap. So that my financial dependency is not determined by the performance towards the relationship I have with my mom. I don't wish to have my financials tied to the unreasonableness to my Mom's attitude, and have to lower my head, even when she is in the wrong. Throught this year when I have been earning and spending my own money, I feel dignified. And I ever thot of doing my courses part time. But mom encouraged me to do full time and assured me that she will be giving me a reasonable amount to sustain my daily expenditure. And just so much for that assurance. 

I feel that she has completely changed ever since she has stopped working 4 months ago. She is bossier and pettier. She disappoints at every lottery ticket that she never win and is most of the time, engaged on the phone in the living room while me and daddy trying to decipher the noise thats coming out of the black box we are watching.  Things just hasn't been the same. And another point she made that completely ticked me off was that " This is my house, I can do whatever I like." Seriously, I would desperately one to make the very statement when she is living in MY place and by chance, that if any commotion as such happens.

It is a beautily family day today. Almost.

I received my first birthday gifts from a friend whom I have only known for less than a year and its a jolly big bag of gifts. Boy, I am deeply touched by his simple act of giving. Not knowing exactly when is his birthday, I told him I am darn sure that I am gonna get him something this X'mas. Yes, which means pressie hunting next week.

From now till the end of the month/ year, I only have 5 official working days left. A new phase will start next year for me becoming back to a student. Not the kind that I have been wanting for, but still its a student life. The next thing is to get a part time job to sustain my FAIRLY high maintenance. Mom has decided to sponsor me for the courses already, so I don't wish to incur anymore unnecessary expenses to her wallet.

There is so much that I expect myself to accomplished for next year, knowing that I will be spending most of my time studying and working. I wanted to return to L'alliance to continue my french studies. I still have BS3 in SAD to complete and my feet itches for tango lesson at Abrazo. Too much goals, too little time and money.

Anyway, during the wedding dinner, my 19 year old gigantic cousin said that he has interest in doing accounting after his national service. Hmmm, seems like I gonna buck up before the pie gets smaller.

Next week is a jolly good week.
Dinners, wines and parties.
With lots of joyful events to anticipate,
I believe that I really should be greatful of what I have now.

Thank you so much again, my friend, and may you have a Merry Merry Christmas.

I never like kids. Not just my past phase of being one.

As a business student, I always consider kids as a long-term high-risk investment that has no guaranteed return. Much like mini-bond, but less promising.

 

I can still remember vividly when I was still residing at my grandma’s place during secondary school that I had to take care of my cousins. In a period of 2 years, 5 new cousins were added into the collection of minions and just imagine when all of them get together for the weekends.

 

But yesterday, little Issac and andrea was so adorable that I wish I had fathered them.

They are the kids of a distant relative, (their mother is the daughter of my grandma’s sister). She (the mother) asked them to call me “Uncle”, but when she turned away, I told them I would only settle for “Goh Goh”. Anything else awards them a slap. They smiled nonchalantly as if this vessel just made unnecessary noise.
 

 
 

The two families only get to see meet only once a year during Chinese new year at my place. We rarely a chance to see each other unless for some big family occasion as such. And every time we meet, I will go straight to Issac.

 

It was the wedding day of their uncle, which is the youngest son of my grandma’s sister. Being the nephew and niece of the groom, they dress up as little prince and princess for this special day. What makes it even more special is that the groom is a military officer, and hence the wedding march with hot guys in their No 1 uniform was strictly inevitable. The only shit thing is that I am surround with all my relatives and my parents and it was pain-staking to even look at any of them for too long for fear of picha my pathetic lobang.

 

Just as some whiny brat that kept crying and moaning at the other table, little Issac and Andrea seated well-mannered on the table for their meal. Grinning cheekily with every old creature that talked to them, like real royalties at the dinner of their uncle’s wedding. An occasional innocence smile from nowhere just melts your heart. They somehow aroused my long-lost paternal instinct, which is a very scary thing, knowing that this contradict my principle that I have long established. What’s next? Me, marrying?
 

 
 

How wish all kids would be and stay petit and cheeky, well-manner and soft-spoken like this:

Never whine and yell for the toy that you’ll never buy them.

Never to worry for them about their sex lives in there teenage phase.

Never to grow up suffering and worrying about their jobs and bills.

 

Just shut up and have that baby pheromone forever.

There are people who come in and out of our lifes
that has an unseen potential of becoming your life partner.
But what make you think that he/she is really the one.
Two of you are feeling really comfortable
starting off from just being friends and
do what usual mutual friends would do:
dinner, drink, chat,
no pressure, no obligation, no sex.
Everything seems healthy and nice.

However, once he/she propose for a relationship,
how would you exactly react to that?
Everything just seems so right at the moment
but the notion of you moving to another level of this mutual affection
just seem so uncertain to you.
Everything seem so right that you afraid if the relationship
go unpredictably wrong, you will lose it all.
You don't want to lose it all,
You don't want to disappoint,
yet you are helpless,
you are unsure that what the next step will lead you to.
So you procrastinate,
you go with the flow
in hope that everything will fall into place naturally,
from your nonchalantness.
Like a ship without a steering wheel,
expected to bring you to the place you want to be,
without your guidance.

Is it better to get into a relationship with a stranger
and get to know he/she while in it,
Or is it wiser to gradually progressing
from friends to lovers,
even thought we know very well that
friendship and relationship are two complete different stories.

Is there really friendship after a relationship?
What does a relationship mean?
Is involving in a relationship means that you are in love?
What is love actually?

December is the month to be jolly.

Apart from the year-end bonus cubicled-slaves are waiting to get and
companies are relunctant to give with the jingle bell spirit in the air,
there is another personal occasion that make december a little extra special to me every year.

Yes, I am gonna be another year older.
And for the very fact that I am borne in the last day of the year
makes it very hard for me to forget about it all.
Not to mention having surprises like the sickly drama on TV
when I open the door after work.
I think it works better seeing myself in the mirror
having another crease at my eyes.

Well, I have past the age of getting all excited about birthdays,
especially when you are chunked out from the golden period
and starts to depreciate as years goes by.
But nonetheless  I am still a little excited with anticipations.
Anticipating because I will be having 4 celebrations in the same week.
I donno whats so special this year that I am so greatly appreciated by others,
but I am sincerely grateful about it.
Last year celebration, if I can still remember clearly,
I was with The Gorgeous at clark quey for dinner and
then club at Attica which I was so relectant to go.
With family, its just a dinner at some restaurant.
It would be an exact replica this year, but just a different restaurant.
But then again, grateful. 

Anyway it was Kaimen's birthday on last friday,
we had dinner at icon village and the rest went off to zirca.
I was the only one that didnt go due to my 5th attempt for my IPPT the next day.
Discipline boy, yes, but I still fucked up the SBJ. 
I was so disheartened about my disability in jumping
that I decided to give it up and succumb to RT for the next window.


Kaimen with The Gorgeous.

After this year, I am stepping into the next phase of my life to become a student again.
No joy of campus life, cause I am going commercial.
I am doing it from the attitude that
my monthy addictions and livelihood depend on the cert and
I am gonna work slave-like hard,
no matter how I dislike the fuck-shit.

Must work hard.... no matter what... Must work hard ...

Till the fuck-shit comes,
Till CNY when you relative ask you about my pat-tor status,
Till I desperately searching thru the webbie for a part time job,
Lets simply enjoy december.

I believe that Beyonce's video was inspired by the one of Gwen, cause they are awfully similar.
But one is hot and saucy and the other is simply hilarious.

Obama made history earlier this month to become the first black president in America.

FLUS made history today against its own record to get into plates final and actually came in third.

And the injudicious us thought that only the first will get the award,  a plate. Fulfilled by our achievement and satisfied that we got out of the 2-day event, we happily left the event after washing up. Only when we were in the train, on our way to our celebration dinner, did captain receive a call, from our coach, asking why none of us were there to receive the plate for the 3rd position.

Another history made.

Nevertheless, I am indeed so proud of the team. 
Stages after stages of race,
we fight with teams so strong that we never thot we can outwin.
With steroid-infested muscles that we can never thot it will be doubted.
With the victory we never thot we could achieve.
And there we were at the final. 
There we came in third.

But before the race never, ever expect ourselves to come so far to plates final. Not to mention of getting top 3 position in the final. And today is the first time that coach so flabbergusted and thrilled. She smile like finally seeing true result from her hard work coaching these butch of brags. Before the race, I even jokingly to say that the only way for us to get something home is for the boats at the other 4 teams to clash, before we dayong sapang to the finishing line.

I have never felt this rewarding and the sense of achievement to be proud of for a long long time.

It is such a boost to me now that I can possibly achieve whatever I want,
so long as I believe in myself. A quote that I would like to share
from the inspiring movie " Akeela and the bee" Staring Laurance Fishburger


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous.
Actually, who are you not to be?

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others

-Marianne Williamson

Before we knew it, its already been a year.
But we do remember you still.
We still do.